a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
you had me at cake vodka
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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