I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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