The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
