I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
