my vag is so smooth its legendary
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
