you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
