If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
