I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
