Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
