My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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