Im at strip club and am horny
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
