i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Houston, we have a squirter
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
