I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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