Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
