Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dicks are not precious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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