Can i not drive my cunt home
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
