My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
