Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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