I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
