Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
