2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
