God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
