apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
