I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
