Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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