My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
