So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
