he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
