I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
