i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
