I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I die, sorry about rent.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
