Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
