I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
