I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
