Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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