OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
