Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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