He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
