Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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