Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
