my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
