she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
