I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
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Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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