I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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