and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
