i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
