I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
