I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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