bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
