it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
