saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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