She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.