i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team