You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
