Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
