you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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