I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
