I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
