the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
