my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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