She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize