hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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